


wanna make you mine (but it's hard to say)

by thisorient



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: Confessions, Denial of Feelings, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-14 03:18:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20593814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisorient/pseuds/thisorient
Summary: It starts when they're drunk, and stupid, and sitting next to each other on a rickety picnic table.Well, when Jay is drunk, and stupid, and Sean is only sober enough to remember exactly what happens.





	wanna make you mine (but it's hard to say)

**Author's Note:**

> i imagined them like roughly 19 years old. sean isn't with emma, or anyone else. jay and manny are over. canon kinda ain't shit in this story. 
> 
> (title is from "training wheels" by melanie martinez because it is sooooo sean x jay it makes me weep and i listened to it the entire time i wrote this lmao)

It starts when they're drunk, and stupid, and sitting next to each other on a rickety picnic table. Well, when Jay is drunk, and stupid, and Sean is only sober enough to remember exactly what happens.

See, the thing with them is, they're older now. It's not Sean and Jay from high school. It's Sean and Jay now, in adulthood, bonded by their past selves and friendship therein. Sean sometimes wonders if they'd be friends had they not met at Degrassi. If he met Jay back in Wasaga, that he'd see him as a dumb punk toeing on an enemy line. But he remembers, they're not so different. Life has outcasted them both, they're labeled as troubled, and rightfully so because yeah, maybe they always have been, but they can be troubled together.

So they're here, at the ravine because where else would they go? Bars don't feel quite right when they're hanging out together, as if it's not intimate enough. It's too loud, and if Sean would be honest with himself, he'd say that the music vibrating the venue would drown out any chance of Jay catching his eye just once - smiling in a way that isn't at all innocent, with Sean finding himself either hoping Jay does realize or doesn't realize what he's thinking about when he smiles back.

"You know," Jay slurs, throwing an arm around Sean's shoulders, "ever since you came back, you're the only motherfucker in this place that's made me wanna stay."

"Really. So I guess Manny made you wanna skip town and change your name."

Jay chuckles. "No. It's different with you. You're like... you've always been there, right? Ever since that time in school when we swiped Simpson's laptop-"

"Don't remind me," he cuts Jay off. "I still feel kinda bad about that."

Jay squeezes him. "See, that's one of the many things I like about you. A dumbass with a conscience."

"It was your idea."

"Not the computer. That's on you, man. The stealing in general was all me. But you went along with it. Why?"

Sean shrugs. "Because I was upset with Emma."

Leaning into Sean's space, Jay is doing that thing where he gets suspiciously quiet before he's about to say something especially meaningful. As if he's trying to set that mood, to make sure you remember his words.

"You know what I think? I think you wanted to be like me."

Incredulous, Sean laughs. "Yeah. Totally. I definitely wanted to be Jay Hogart, the guy with even more of a record at 16 than I have right now. And I've been to jail twice."

"Don't lie to yourself, Cameron. There had to be something there. You started following me like a lost puppy."

"I mean, yeah, but-"

"Why?"

"I guess..." Sean trails off. He hadn't noticed that Jay was so close that their knees were knocking together. That he felt a lot warmer than before. And it wasn't the booze, it wasn't the weather - it's the edge of dark - it's the body heat. "I guess I just wanted to belong somewhere."

Jay nods, then takes another sip of beer. "Can I tell you something I've never told anyone before?"

"Go for it."

"When you went back to Wasaga... it broke my heart."

Sean starts to laugh. Jay joins him, then between laughter, "No, really!"

"You? A broken heart?"

"Mhm."

Sean feels a hand rest on his knee, a gesture small but significant. Though the laughter has died down, they're still smiling. A light breeze blows through, and the hand on his knee tightens. He bites the bullet.

"What if I told you it broke my heart too?"

"I'd tell you that I hope I remember that in the morning." Jay replies, and they start to laugh again.

"It took me a while. But once I was gone for a couple weeks, I really started to miss you, man. In a way that kind of fucked with me."

"It fucked with me too. More than I wanted to admit."

There's a pang of hope that rings out in Sean's mind, that Jay just might understand what he means.

Jay continues, "It was worse than when Alex and I broke up. I felt empty without you." He's still slurring a little, but he's earnest - Jay isn't the type to say ridiculous things in a drunken state. Rather, he's an honest drunk. His jokes are still there, but he opens up his heart a little more. The front fades, dissolves into a pile of thoughts Jay wouldn't normally confess.

And this is a confession, right now, it's a confession when he pulls Sean closer and the sound of crickets are in the distance and he says: "It's like I was in love with you."

The sun has set, but they're still visible to one another in the golden glow of dimming streetlights. A slight grin has formed on Jay's face, a corner of his lips upturned into something soft, meaningful, tinged with a serious baring of a soul. _He means it_, Sean thinks, _he really means it._

"I- I mean, " Sean stutters out, nearly speechless, he doesn't know what to say. He knows what he wants to say. But he needs to pick his words carefully. He keeps sputtering and Jay chuckles and cuts him off.

"You don't have to say it _baaack_," he sing-songs, giving Sean one last squeeze before throwing back the last of his drink. "But I think I loved you, Cameron. Why else would I have been feeling like that?"

"Jay-"

"Shhhh," Jay runs a hand through Sean's curls, hand tangling in them as quickly as it leaves. He immediately misses the warmth of Jay's body.

Jay sighs. "I hate talking about feelings," he literally boops Sean's nose, "and I hate being mushy."

"You just booped my nose, man."

"Doesn't matter. It's done."

Sean rolls his eyes and chuckles. His chest feels twenty sizes too big. He wonders if Jay feels the same, if this is going to change them.

They need to talk about it.

"Jay, I want to tell you. I have to tell you."

"No more feelings."

"If I don't say this, I'm gonna hate myself tomorrow. Let me talk."

"Fine," Jay acquiesces, "go ahead."

He takes a breath, in and out, slowly. "It was like I loved you too. When I left, I mean. It killed me and I didn't realize until the first couple weeks at my fucking parent's house alone, wishing you could pick me up."

"I would have."

"I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was supposed to miss Ellie like that. Hell, maybe I was supposed to miss Emma like that. Not you. It wasn't supposed to be you."

"But it was."

"It was. And I don't feel bad about that. It's a good thing right? Love?"

Jay looks endeared. "Mushy."

Sean chuckles again. "I'm being serious. I don't feel bad about the way I... felt." _Felt_. As if he's not sitting here about to combust with how much he wants to kiss Jay.

"Okay. Love, love, love. Blah, blah, blah. No more."

"Wait. One more thing."

Jay threads both of his hands through Sean's hair now. He's shutting this down, like he's being too raw. He's an honest drunk, yeah, but this is a level of vulnerable even drunk Jay refuses to deal with. It's as though he's putting his wall up again. "Shhhh. No more. Onto something else. Where's the rest of the beer?"

They stay out for a little longer, until the night becomes colder and the wind picks up something unforgivable. Sean walks Jay home, making sure he gets in safe. Jay sees him off with a "Later, Cameron," and he's a little disappointed it wasn't something more than that. He feels like a teenage girl after a bad date, where the guy didn't kiss her at the end of it like she dreamed of. Jay didn't want to talk more, and Sean shouldn't have expected anything. Still, it stings when the door of Jay's apartment shuts and the silence in the hallway is deafening.

He walks home alone surrounded by lights, the same color as the ones that shone on them back at the ravine when they said they were in love once.

_Once_.

Which isn't exactly accurate as it's still going on for Sean. He wonders if Jay shut him up earlier because he senses that Sean still loves him, and he doesn't want to hurt him. And that makes him feel worse.

Though, there could be another reason, and Sean wonders more as he takes the street to his own place. Perhaps Jay shut him up because he feels the same and he doesn't want to deal with it. Because Jay doesn't do feelings. At least, not with Sean. It's always been a friendship, with the latter holding onto frayed feelings, but on the surface they're simply friends. 

Then it hits Sean as he's putting his key in the door:

_"Friends" don't look at each other the way that Jay looks at him._

It's the same look in his eye he'd seen toward Alex, toward Manny.

The same glint of, _"I really need to kiss you."_

Suddenly, he's a little... hopeful.

He's going to try again.

-

A week has passed now since The Incident, as Sean refers to it in his mind. When he was sitting there, Jay's arm around him, there was a second where he wondered if that conversation would change them. Now, Jay has been radio silent the past week. Sean was right. It did change them, it changed something, because his texts keep going unanswered, along with the phone calls that hit straight to voicemail.

Sean doesn't leave anymore voicemails after the first one goes unacknowledged too. He doesn't want to seem that pathetic.

Something in him is angry, though. Why would Jay drop that information on him and ghost? Especially if it were something in the past, that he didn't feel anymore? It fuels one of the theories that Sean has come up with, the one where Jay feels the same, he just doesn't want to face it.

Of course, he pretty much knows Jay's schedule at the shop. It's almost time for it to close, and Jay usually closes on Fridays. Not last Friday though. Either fortunately or unfortunately, depending on the outcome, he didn't on the night of The Incident.

So Sean decides to head out and try to catch Jay before the latter goes home. He feels like he might seem a little less pitiful showing up there, instead of at Jay's door tonight as a sad, drowned rat from the rain like a romantic cliché. A little bit of dignity needs to be saved. Sean puts up a wall like Jay does - his is just easier to tear down.

When Sean arrives, Jay looks like he's putting up some tools and though he hasn't even turned around, he yells over his shoulder, "We're closed."

"Even for me?"

Jay stills at Sean's voice, then turns around.

"I've been trying to get ahold of you for days. What's the deal?"

"There's no _deal_," Jay mocks him with the last word. "I've just been busy." He tries going back to his work. Sean isn't letting him.

"Busy. Doing what?"

"Why are you here?"

"Because I want to know what's wrong." Sean steps into his space. "Is it what we talked about? Is that it?"

Jay bites his lip, steps closer. "I was fucking with you, okay? Now leave. I need to go home." And he attempts to go back to working again but Sean's hand is on his shoulder, turning him back around. Jay gently pushes him away.

"Stop being like this."

"So you can go back to ignoring me? So we can just keep not-talking about it, as if it's not the most important fucking thing."

"I'm not- I don't feel that way about you, okay? It was a joke. You should learn about them, they're funny."

"Telling me you loved me isn't my idea of a joke. It's not fucking funny, and I know you meant it."

Jay tosses the wrench to the ground, frustrated. "Why are you trying to screw up my life, Cameron?"

"Maybe it's because you screwed up mine."

Jay chuckles, he has to laugh. To him, how was he the one who started this? When did it become his fault?

He steps forward and grabs Sean by the lapels of his jean jacket. "This isn't my fault. It's not my fault you got some stupid crush on me, Brokeback."

"You really think it's just stupid? That this is easy for me? Knowing what you said the other night."

"I was drunk-"

"Bullshit," Sean spits back. "We both know just how fucking honest you get when you're drunk. I've known you for years."

Jay goes silent for a moment, eyes with a fire behind them baring into Sean's. "Fine. You want me to be honest?" He says, walking Sean backwards. "Really, really honest?"

Sean is up against the wall of the shop now, back fully lined with the wall. "Oh, so now you're gonna play the tough guy when you fucking told me-"

His rebuttal is cut off with a mouth against his own. It's a shock, at first. Sean thought Jay was going to threaten him, or worse, try to rough him up. But instead, he feels a firm press of lips on his.

It's messy, then it's desperate. As if this has been building for years - when they were stupid kids, thick thieves, bond stringing across city limits and everything inbetween. It started with a busted vending machine and through Sean's absence, this still lingered. The pull, the need to do just what they're doing - Jay's lip between Sean's teeth begging to be bitten.

Sean's body just gives, melts into Jay's and he groans against his mouth. This is everything, like a breath held for the last few years escapes both of them. They kiss against the wall for what feels impossibly long for just kissing, but maybe they're too lost in this and time doesn't exist right now. They're the only thing that exists.

Eventually they pull away, gasping for air, lips swollen and noses brushing.

Jay opens his eyes, grins like the sun.

"Mushy," he says.

**Author's Note:**

> ["i love everything you do / when you call me fuckin' dumb for the stupid shit i do"](https://youtu.be/17lKhyL4qUI)


End file.
